[BLOG POST 9/1/24] Opening a solo art show is new to me. Sure, I've been involved with other art shows but always as a co-curator or assistant, never the artist, the promoter, the installer, the caterer and the host by myself. But on top of all of that expected stress I'm feeling a very real fear of being seen. Let me explain...
My father passed away in 2011 and my mother passed in 2019. After they died I became the trustee of their estates and as may be expected, several family members weren't pleased. The next few years of my life were spent defending myself as the trustee, documenting every action, hiring lawyers (yes more than one), and more all while grieving the loss of my mother. My mom and I were very close.
After much heartache and frustration the trusts were finally distributed and all the angry parties have gone their separate ways.
But along that journey were a lot of unexpected not-so-nice surprises including threats to my wellbeing, emotional abuse, manipulation, betrayal, bold-faced lies, and deceit (FYI: lying is different from deception. In order to lie, one must make a false statement. On the other hand, deception does not require that one make a false statement or make any statement at all which I found out the hard way.)
That experience left me wanting to hide from the world. To not be seen, to avoid conflict and/or aggressive behaviors directed towards me, and to be left alone.
Eventually I was able to move through all of that, heal, and I've end up in a place of gratitude for the experience. After all, I learned a lot of very useful life lessons. But it took a lot of hard work to process everything and I wouldn't want to do it again.
Now, as I proactively promote my "Rattlesnake" show, I'm feeling an unexpected fear of being seen. When you poke your head up and are seen you will most likely face conflict and you can be hurt. I mean...if people can't agree on how to hang a toilet paper roll you know there will be someone who doesn't like my show, right dear reader?
It sucks.
And some days I don't want to do the show at all.
But I'm too far down the rabbit hole to go back now.
Plus the light that sines inside of me is compelling me to go forward.
So I'm going to do my best to prepare for the unknown, trust the path I'm on, and keep moving forward through the fear. To quote a song I grew up singing:
This little light o' mine, I'm goin' let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
Ev'rywhere I go, I'm goin' let it shine
Ev'rywhere I go, I'm goin' let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
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